If I could sum up for you what the past 10 months have been into one word, whatever that word was would make you feel exhausted. Much of it can be attributed to changes and shifts in my life at work, coupled with the fact that one lazy Saturday in July I looked down at the plastic stick on my bathroom counter as two blue lines appeared. When there’s two, that means that there’s a baby in the making.
Let me tell you–a baby’s size does not determine a mama’s level of exhaustion. iPhone’s have revolutionized pregnancy education, and as I stared at an app’s illustration of my blueberry-sized baby on the lit up screen, I struggled to wrap my head around why such a tiny little creature depleted my energy storehouses beyond comprehension. Those first three months were spent sleeping, working, and sleeping. Any energy I had was reserved for my blessed 40 hours at work, and the rest was solely directed by the incredible workings of the human body to create another human life. Which, in short, required a lot of sleep.
But going back to that lazy, revolutionary Saturday in July: nothing could have prepared me for that moment. This is my one and only experience with pregnancy, so I don’t know if each time it feels the same. But when you look up from that test, see yourself in the mirror, and realize that your body now belongs to someone else too–someone who needs you, who you love without even understanding why, whose precious existence instantly changes everything–it is a sacred and irreplaceable moment. And that’s just the beginning.
Just as baby has been growing for the last few months, I’ve been growing too (not just literally, though that is absolutely the case. Ha). Parts of my heart that I’ve never had to use before are getting stronger, learning how to function on a daily basis. Bad habits and patterns that I’m used to favoring have been lovingly exposed and redirected by my sweet Father in heaven, who knows that to be a mother, I can’t remain unchanged. It’s a process I didn’t anticipate, but one that I long for more of as baby’s arrival gets closer.
I promise to not let another pregnancy almost go by without an update. There’s more to be said, and much more to come.