I’m trying to write again. Being a mom has taught me so much, and I think I’m just beginning to learn how to find “me” again–the Bethany that existed before this precious boy joined us.
(life is spent here a lot nowadays)
I squeezed into a pair of my pre-pregnancy jeans this morning. My stomach is still squishy from the 9.5 lb baby I carried a few months ago, and my hips are wider than they used to be. That’s okay. It took some maneuvering, but I managed to zip them up and wear them out of the house. I’m currently sitting with them unbuttoned, but it still feels good to put something on that makes me feel like myself again.
I don’t know what expectations I had of life after the baby came; I was really just trying to survive being pregnant and managing a department at work. It took all of me. I did hope I’d be able to bounce back quickly; be active, shed those extra pounds I’d gained, be the master of cleaning and preparing delicious meals. It’s hard not to compare myself to other’s experiences, but I should have known that bouncing back quickly wouldn’t happen when they told me my baby was already 7 lbs and had about a month left before he was due.
Labor and O’s delivery was beyond physically exhausting. I remember being sore all over my body, even my face and neck, in muscles I had never used that were somehow activated through O’s birth. Four hours of grueling pushing, which had been preceded by very intense, nonstop labor, had taken everything out of me. People have asked me if I am traumatized from my experience, and I am happily not. It was incredible. But it was hard.
What was a bit traumatizing was being taken to the ER in an ambulance the night we got home from the hospital. I woke up from a nap with my heart rate racing in the 140s, and my blood pressure scarily high. I spent our first night “at home” in the ER, away from my baby, hooked up to more IVs and my body subjected to more tests to figure out what the problem was.
The stress took a toll on me, and I came down with a cold when I got home the next day. My blood pressure finally went back to normal without any meds after about a week. It took me about two weeks to begin walking comfortably post-delivery. After recovering from my first cold, I got another, which I gave to O. Then a few weeks later I came down with yet another one.
Needless to say, I am learning to go at my own pace. I don’t share this for pity, but rather to remind myself that under my particular circumstances, it’s okay that I’m just beginning to feel normal (meaning: going outside everyday, wearing real clothes, cooking meals, etc. Ha.) four months after O was born.
(on our afternoon walk)
With that said, I am going to to try to be here more often. Writing is something that feeds my soul, and I’m realizing how important that is as I grow as a new mama. It also connects me to who I was before O, keeping the dreams and vision of the world I used to carry still alive. And one day I hope these words inspire him too.
see you soon.